have you ever.

have you ever had to watch your beloved pet pass away?  i'm scared and sad.  no, my pet has not passed on yet but it's going to happen....sooner then later, unfortunately. :(

12 years ago about this time of year i was told there was a man in a nearby town giving away doberman pincher puppies....yes, GIVING AWAY!  i was just starting my life with my husband of two years and a daughter that was about 1 1/2 years in age.  we knew this was the perfect time to let her grow up with a family pet.  we quickly went to pick a pup out and my (then) step-mother took one too.  fast forward about 6 years...i went through a divorce and in the end we (kiddos and i) did get to keep our Chloe (yep, that is her sweet name).

we've had our ups and downs with raising her.  she was the most loving, nurturing and gentle dog.  i swear she never barked for the first 5 yrs of her life. lol  whenever she was around babies she would literally do an army crawl toward them as to show how gentle she could be.  man, i love her.  for most of her life she lived in doors with us.  there were a couple years when she was 2 or 3 that we rented a home and were'nt allowed pets...but in the bad/cold weather i always placed her on a blanket just inside the back "mud room".  it was like an inclosed small porch and i respected the landlord as to not let her run the house.  i just couldn't let her freeze or get wet while we were in the comfort of a warm, dry home.

over the last 4-5 years Chloe developed allergies to different dog foods.  we were nieve when we first got her as to what better foods were and honestly, growing up....my father didn't actually set a caring example with pets (he wasn't abusive  he just grew up as pets were to remain outside and they didn't get the quality, love and attention you would give a human).  so, i had to learn as i went.  we went from quality dog food...to quality dog food.  she was on medication for bladder leakage, she would have spells that as i described them were "crazy nights"...where she would pace all night through the house and whimper.  the vet never did solve that one for us.  she does that once about every two months...it's weird.  i am up most of the night with her. :(

about two years ago she developed a lump on the back most part of her rib cage area on one side...about the size of a walnut.  the vet assured us it could be something....or nothing.  it's common for animals to develop cists that just appear and stay wtih them.  they also could get worse.  i have no shame in saying i am not weathy by any means so as for testing...it just couldn't be done.  that 'lump' stayed there, the same size until about 6 months ago.  today it is about the size of my fist.  the vet says she doesn't seem to be in any pain from it.  there is really no way of knowing if it is something worse or just a weird cist.

the scary part....and why i am even sharing all of this.....is that she has started showing signs of arthritis. :(  and since she has started, over a month ago, it has kept getting worse. :(  today she woke up and it took her about a half hour to walk to our back door.  i then realized this isn't going to get any better.  i'm taking her to the vet monday.  i am scared. 

i am scared that they are going to take her away from me.  that they will say there is no miracle drug.  they will tell me that it would be selfish to take her home instead of putting her to rest.

she is like one of my kids.